What to say and not to say to parents after the death of a child
Do you have anyone in your area who has had a baby or even a bigger child die? Would you like to comfort them in some way, but don't know how? Prepare yourself for the fact that you simply cannot comfort a parent whose son or daughter has died, it is not in human power. On the other hand, words can be powerful and can caress the grieving parent's soul or hurt them painfully.
Adriana Kábová on the banks of the Vltava River, on Střelecký Island
When my own baby died, I was surprised in many ways by the reactions of those around me. Some pleasant, some unpleasant. What struck me most was how many people retreated and pretended nothing had happened. I realized they probably didn't know how to react. But the avoidance of me, or at least the topic of the baby's death, was probably the most distressing.
Parents often find themselves in a strange limbo after the death of a child and feel lonely. And this is only because their surroundings do not know what to say, do not know what to do, so they prefer to withdraw and avoid responding to such a difficult life situation. Fears of being reminded of the deceased child are not misplaced; parents find it hard to manage to think of anything else at all for the first few months.
In addition to ignorance, a common type of reaction is a pleading effort to come up with something positive, something to please the parents with empty arms. But it just can't work. Parents may perceive the effort to comfort, but it is absolutely ineffective.
Sometimes I was amazed at what people said to me. I understand that they probably felt the need to comfort or comfort me in some way. But more than once, I ended up actually feeling sorry for them. They're just floundering and they don't know what to do with me.
Rather, I recommend focusing on sentences that acknowledge the death of the child and the weight of the parents' grief. A simple "I'm sorry", "I'msorry" is sometimes quite enough. "Condolences" is seen by some as a stilted phrase, but it actually has deep meaning and is certainly one of the most welcome expressions of belonging.
Words that can support grieving parents:
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
My condolences.
If you know each other very well, even a hug can be supportive for parents after the death of a child. It's a good idea to ask first if you can, if the parents will be comfortable at the time. Respectfully and without offence, if they refuse your offer, not everyone is the 'hugging type'.
I am here for you and I will listen to you whenever you need me.
Don't be afraid to text me anytime, you'll never bother me.
It is very necessary to be able to listen to parents after the death of their child, because it often helps them to share their burden, but few people want to hear about dying. Take away from your stories what happened to your friends and what helped them afterwards. Rather, be interested in the story or insight that the grieving person may want to tell you, but there is often no space for it. Let the parents know that you are ready to hear them out. You might say things like "I'm here for you and will listen whenever you need me" or"don't be afraid to text me anytime, you'll never bother me".
Do you want to tell me about (child's name)?
And when you are finding out if the parents are willing and in the mood to share their grief with you, it is a good idea not to be afraid to mention the name of the deceased child. Indeed, many people tend to stop saying the child's name as if it were suddenly forbidden. It's just that for parents, it's still their beloved son or daughter, even if they're suddenly not there. And when suddenly no one wants to talk about them, no one even wants to say their name, it's as if those around them suddenly don't want to acknowledge that they existed at all.
I was always pleased when there was someone among my friends who was not afraid to say my son's name. It warmed my heart that at least someone remembered him after his short stay here.
Words that usually rub salt in the wound:
Be glad you have another child.
You are still young, you will have more.
You just have to think positive.
Worse things happen to people.
I know how you feel because...
Nature intended it that way. It was meant to be.
Your child is in a better place now.
It's a good thing it wasn't older.
And you're thinking about another one?
Sentences beginning with "at least that".
In addition to the group of people who are worried about hurting their parents with their words and prefer to remain silent, there is also the part that doesn't think about their words at all and simply says something in the belief that it will alleviate their parents' grief. If the parents have any other children, there is always someone who will remember to mention it. "Be glad you have another child." Yes, parents are certainly glad they have another child, but that doesn't lessen their grief. In fact, all sentences that begin with "at least that..."are similarly ineffective . At least you're okay, at least it didn't get worse, at least everything is going well otherwise, at least you can still have more children , and so on.
And then there are those who feel they know exactly what parents experience after the death of a child. Because someone they know has been through something similar and they know what helped them and what parents now have to do and not do that they need to do. Never say the sentence "I know how you feel because..." because you simply don't know. Each grieving process is deeply individual and no one can give parents an exact guide on how to get through it.
"When our Oliver died, I was unable to talk to anyone except my husband. After coming home from the hospital, we stayed at his parents' house for a few days. Everyone acted as if nothing had happened. On the third day, my mother-in-law sat down with me in the living room and said she knew exactly what I was going through. She said she had a miscarriage once. She started giving me advice on what I should and shouldn't do now. I just stayed staring at her. And she said she had absolutely no idea what I was going through. I left in tears and we didn't speak again until we left."
The experience of our client Eva B.
Well-meaning judgments like "nature intended it that way", "itwas meant to be" or
"your child is in a better place now". If these statements are meant seriously, then they contain a reference to spirituality, which the parent may not share with the speaker.
And because in our society, in general, grief vented in public is not very popular, the parents' surroundings sometimes do not know how to deal with it. And that's how catchphrases like "don't cry, it won't bring him/her back anyway","you have to think positive" arise. Similarly, the phrase "worse things happen to people" is not at all supportive. The pressure to smile and the encouragement to suppress grief negate the parents' experienced emotions and their need to grieve.
A phrase that can hurt parents of babies who died in the womb or were born very prematurely is "before they were older". Beware, direct proportionality does not apply here. The parent simply lost the baby. Period.
For babies, forgive the often heard phrase "you are still young, you will have another". Parents experience an indescribable pain, they grieve for the unique baby they have just lost. That phrase is like a slap in the face. In addition, you may not know the exact reasons for the baby's death, and sometimes there may be interventions after which another pregnancy is not even possible. And unless you've stood by your parents throughout their grieving process, you're not one of their closest loved ones, so avoid asking them questions like, "Are you thinking about another one yet?"
So we recommend that the death of a child is definitely not ignored, not passed unnoticed. It's just that in such a case, less is sometimes more, and "I'm sorry" and "I'm sorry" as a first reaction is quite enough. And then you can ask parents what practical things you can help them with, or even suggest some. It is most appreciated when you are able to listen to your parents and whatever they want to share, even repeatedly.
The author Adriana Kábová is a bereavement counsellor and funeral guide whose first baby died.
Suicide is a cancer of the soul. How do suicidal thoughts work? Sasha Kasal and Roksana Taborska.
Saša Kasal and Roksana Táborská from the National Institute of Mental Health
Suicide is a cancer of the soul. How do suicidal thoughts work?
It changes with age: the younger a person is, the more vulnerable they are - people learn different techniques to cope with problems throughout their lives.
It varies with gender: men are more likely to commit suicide, while women are more likely to self-harm (globally, there are 3 to 4 male suicides for every one female suicide).
It spreads like a contagion: if a suicide occurs in one class, it is a risk factor for all classmates.
The surroundings can make it worse, just say "You can't do this to me," for example.
13,000 suicides in one year - roughly 4 deaths a day. That's the data for 2022. March and April are the riskiest.
Is it the computers now? Not at all. On the contrary, the numbers have been steadily declining since the '50s and '60s. It's only since 2019 that they're starting to pick up again. Why?
The cause is never one: covid, black prospects for the future, social networks, long waits for psychologists, addictive substances, even genetic predisposition.
What to do if someone confides in you with the intention of committing suicide?
Will the psychologist fire you?
Is there any way to develop a family?
We unpacked the stigma of suicide together with Sasha Kasal and Roksana Táborská from the National Institute of Mental Health in our podcast.
Apologies to all for the lower intelligibility of the male voices. The original recording has been severely damaged and what you hear is the result of painstaking reconstruction.
The Last Farewell in the 19th Century
Many people today wish to die at home, surrounded by their loved ones. In the past, this was quite common - especially in the countryside, where many traditions and customs were associated with the passing of a person. These rituals were intended to symbolically break the ties that bound the deceased to family and neighbours, while welcoming them into the world of the dead. In this article, I explore how dying and burial were experienced in our rural areas in the 19th century. Many of the customs of the time still survive today - albeit perhaps in a simplified form.
Funeral ceremonies have always been accompanied by a number of rituals.
Dying
When someone had been moaning for a long time, the neighbours brought all kinds of medicines and the family prayed for his recovery. If the sick person felt that his last moments were approaching, he said goodbye to family and friends, gave them his blessing and gave final instructions regarding the distribution of the surviving property. At the same time, however, this created a space to pass on messages to those who had already died. People used the approach of death as an opportunity to send greetings to the "other world" - telling about what had happened in the village; about misfortunes, the war, but also about who they missed.
"Aunt Hotak begged: Say hello to my husband - Martin - and tell him that we were burnt out in the summer... Tell our people that Simon was drafted this year, and that he enlisted in Pilsen. A widower who buried his wife five years ago, he reminded me emphatically: Give my Manka my love, tell her I can't forget. Throughout the morning, people came to the building with their pains and desires, and the old woman smiled, prayed and promised to deal with everything faithfully..."
- Jindřich Šimon Baar from Postřekov in Chodsko. In: Navrátilová. 2004: 189.
Signs
When a kulishka screamed or a bitch howled in the yard, it was said that death was coming. In Central Bohemia, she was imagined as a female figure in a paper dress standing by the bedside of the dying. A sudden stop of the clock or strange noises in the house - "like a rod slamming against a chest" - were also harbingers of the approaching end.
On Easter Sunday (nowadays White Sunday) a procession used to go to the cemetery.
Notification of deaths
As soon as one breathed his last, it was necessary to wake up all those who were sleeping in the house. If the householder died, his departure was announced to the animals - the dog, the horses, the bees, even the fruit trees. If the housekeeper died, it was said especially to the poultry and cattle. Clocks were stopped in the house, mirrors and pictures were covered, the deceased's eyes were closed so that he would not "look" for someone else, and his chin was tied so that he would not "swallow" someone from the family. Everything was done with respect for the body, because it was believed that the soul remained with the body until burial. This is also why the vessels were turned upside down, so that the soul would have nowhere to hide. In some areas a window was opened after death, in others it was closed - it depended on whether people believed the soul should stay or go.
Even today, the village noontime death knell can tell you that someone has died. In some regions, the bell used to be rung three times for a man, twice for a woman and once for a child.
The family then commissioned someone to go round the neighbours and tell them what had happened. In return, he got a small reward - a bite to eat or money - but he was never allowed to enter the house. This custom was later replaced by the funeral card in the local newspaper.
Placing in the coffin
Before the body was placed in the coffin, it was washed by an elderly woman from the family or relatives. Anything that touched the dead person was no longer used - it was burned or buried. The water was poured out into an unused corner of the garden, where nothing was grown. The deceased was laid on a white sheet or on a mortuary board in a cool chamber, his head turned towards the exit.
The coffin was made to order by a local carpenter and consecrated with holy water before use. The body was dressed by a member of the family - often in a linen shawl or wedding dress, the arms were crossed on the chest and a holy image was placed between them. A rosary, cross, prayer book or personal items were added. The body was then displayed in the house. Shoes were not given - they were expensive and passed on. In the 19th century the coffin was usually black. For those who died unmarried, however, it was sometimes red.
Things the deceased liked were often added to the coffin - tobacco, alcohol, books, photographs or even musical instruments.
Lamentations and last visits
Neighbors and friends came to visit the family and the deceased. Prayers were said, farewells were said, and holy water was placed next to the body for crucifixion. Beggars were also invited to pray for the deceased, and beggars - known as weepers - would mourn loudly. In some regions, prayers went on all night. Guests sang funeral songs with the family, and in addition to prayers, tea, coffee, small treats and alcohol were served. Guests often took the refreshments home with them.
Taking the deceased out of the house of mourning
The coffin was closed just before the departure to the cemetery - so that everyone could say goodbye to the deceased until the very last moment. The actual hammering of the lid was often accompanied by strong emotions, weeping and wailing. The coffin was always carried out of the house feet first - this was to prevent the deceased from "going back". This custom has persisted to this day.
The threshold of the house had a symbolic meaning, it represented the boundary of the house. When the coffin was carried, it was either swung, knocked, or the symbol of a cross was made over it three times. In the case of a woman who died in her sextuplets, the coffin was carried by women. Similarly, the married were carried by the married, the unmarried by the unmarried.
The coffin was most often worn by men, usually married. In the past, the coffin was carried on the handles, but nowadays it is more often grabbed by the handles.
Funeral procession
From the house of mourning, the coffin was carried to the church or directly to the cemetery - either on a plague or on a horse-drawn cart. When the wagon was driven, it was first reversed three times. During the journey, people prayed, and in some places a singer led the prayer.
At the end of the village, often at the shrine, those present made a final appeal to others for forgiveness:
'Neighbours and neighbours, if the deceased has wronged you in any way while alive, I beg you for God's sake and for the sake of all the saints, first, second, third, forgive him (her)!' The congregation present shall answer, 'May the Lord God forgive him (her).'"
- Žipek, 1895: 534. In Nešporová, 2013: 188.
If the church or cemetery was far away, young children and the elderly accompanied the procession only to the outskirts of the village.
Nowadays, coffin is most often transported by car, but previously men carried it in their hands, and later in a carriage.
Ceremony at the cemetery
Upon arrival at the cemetery, a church ceremony was held during which the priest gave a speech, the grave was blessed and coffin was lowered down. People usually could not hold back their tears - weeping and mourning accompanied the whole ritual.
To this day, it is common to throw three handfuls of dirt on the coffin - a reminder that we all end up the same way one day. Moreover, in some regions, the bed of the deceased was made on the day of the funeral: if it remained intact the next morning, it was believed that the soul had not returned.
The deceased used to be laid to rest on the same day he died. However, it could happen that he was buried alive by mistake - people made sure of his death in various ways, for example, by dripping wax on his chest or putting a feather to his mouth. It was because of this that in 1771 it was decreed that every church must have a mortuary chamber where the body would remain for at least 48 hours. In reality, however, this was not observed until much later.
Kar
After the funeral, the family invited guests - relatives, friends, but also priests, weepers, gravediggers or bearers - to a funeral feast. Simple foods such as porridge, bread, milk, and often alcohol were served.
Posthumous wedding
For the unmarried deceased, wedding elements often appeared - this was to complete the life cycle that death had interrupted. The deceased young man or girl was dressed in a wedding dress and a peer symbolically took on the role of groom or bride and followed the coffin. In some regions the procession was accompanied by two figures - a white and a black bride. The black bride carried a broken candle as a symbol of a wasted life.
Bridesmaids often escorted the deceased from the house, and the feast that followed was informally called a wreath, a merrymaking, or a wedding. People ate, drank and danced together. There was also bread.
The tradition of white and black brides has been preserved in some areas of the Czech Republic and Slovakia to this day.
The period of mourning
The funeral was followed by a period of mourning, with women wearing black clothing or at least a black armband. For one year, no wedding was allowed to take place and the family did not participate in dances or merrymaking.
Excessive mourning was not welcome, however - it was said to unnecessarily disturb the soul of the deceased. It was mourned mainly on the anniversary of death and birth, on All Souls' Day or at Christmas.
Visiting the cemetery on All Souls' Day is still an important custom. In the past, special pastries made of white flour were baked on this occasion - they were called souls, bones of saints, calettes or bones of God. They were given to children and beggars. It was believed that they were close to the spiritual world and could mediate contact with the dead.
Care of graves
In the past, graves were not maintained as carefully as they are today. Often they were overgrown with grass, and when the family cut it down, it bothered the gravediggers - who grew vegetables, cut grass for the cattle, or grazed the animals.
Larger and more ornate graves began to appear towards the end of the 19th century, first in towns and gradually in the countryside. Most had only simple markings, inscriptions were rare. Wealthier families could afford a wooden or metal cross. In Central Bohemia, coloured crosses were used - red for single people and black for married people. Around the turn of the century, wreaths and candle lighting became common on death anniversaries or on All Souls' Day.
Funeral customs in our country differed significantly from region to region. After all, the saying " Different region, different morals" is perhaps most true of funerals. If you yourself have experienced another tradition that was observed in your area, we would be glad if you would share it - write to us at info@pohrebnipruvodci.cz.
The author is ethnologist and funeral guide Adriana Kábová.
Sources:
KAŠOVÁ, Lucie. Rituals, customs and traditions of burial in the 21st century in Jílové u Prahy. Master thesis, supervisor Hošek, Pavel. Charles University, Evangelical Theological Faculty, Department of Religious Studies, 2011.
NAVRÁTILOVÁ, Alexandra. Birth and death in Czech folk culture. Prague, Vyšehrad, 2004.
NEŠPOROVÁ, Olga. A Century of Changes in Burial. Czech People, 100, 2, 2013.
ŠROM, Boh. On peasant life in the Jilov district, manuscript, 1895.
ŽIPEK, Josef. Superstitions, customs about illness, death and funeral in Strakonice. Český lid, 4: 533-535, 1895.
Digital photo archive Šechtl & Voseček
How to talk about death and why are we afraid of it? Adriana and Oleg for iGlanc.
"Grandma went to heaven."☁️
How many times have you used 'heaven' when your child asked you where grandma disappeared to?
We think we're making it easier for the child, that they're still too young to understand the complexities of death. And mainly, so they don't fear that death will strike someone else.😱
But we don't think about the fact that around the age of ten, a child will inevitably become aware of death on their own; we're programmed that way. By planting false ideas in their head, we're only making it harder for them to understand death.
What's the right and wrong way to do it? We asked our colleague about her own experiences:
🐶 When the family dog died, her parents were silent about it for three days. When she started asking about him, they said he had simply left.
💔 She remembers very well the moment she realized death existed: she must have been around nine, she was in her children's room, getting ready to sleep. And suddenly it occurred to her that her parents would die one day, just like it happens in the action movies on TV that her parents fall asleep to in the evenings. She spent the rest of the night crying. She never confided in her parents about it.
❤️ A few years later, however, she experienced the death of her beloved guinea pig the way it should be. She took care of him when he was sick and fed him with a syringe when he could no longer eat. After his last breath, she and her dad held a small ceremony. She buried him in his favorite little house.
Children, even the smallest ones, are smarter than we think.👶 If we can't talk about death ourselves, we're just building a barrier – and children will keep the questions that bother them to themselves, until death becomes just a concept that they completely suppress. 💨
🙌 To give children a healthy relationship with death, we need to start with ourselves. Oleg and Adriana talk about how to talk about death with children and how to accept it ourselves in a new article. 🙌
We transformed the Mexican Día de Muertos into a Czech Remembrance Ceremony - with Petra Ponocna
💀 Did you know that in Mexico, they celebrate death on Día de Muertos?💀
Is it a fascination with death, where we constantly remember old wounds every year?
❌ Not at all. On the contrary: here, we aren't even able to properly talk about the death of a friend after a year. We tuck photos into albums, lock away memories, throw out clothes. And heaven forbid their spirits ever come to haunt us.
In Mexico, on the other hand, they prepare an altar for the deceased. They bring their favorite things and treats to their grave. They lure them back with sugar skulls to celebrate with them, to see that they haven't been forgotten.
We've been talking for a long time about how life should return to cemeteries. 🪅 And in Mexico, they know how to do it very well! 🪅
🧁 They decorate graves with colorful flowers.
🧁 During the Day of the Dead celebrations, there are taco stands in the cemeteries.
🧁 Mariachis play.
🧁 And families spend the night there.
Let's compare it to Czech All Souls' Day 🥀 – can you imagine not just laying a flower on the grave this year, but instead cooking the deceased's favorite meal and going to the cemetery to chat with them? Playing music and dancing? Reminiscing with others who come there? Probably not. But you can, for example, gather the family and remember the deceased together. Whether it's for All Souls' Day or not – and whether with our help or on your own. Get inspired by us here: https://www.pohrebnipruvodci.cz/obrad-vzpominani
Here, we see grief as an illness that needs to be treated and has a clearly defined end. In Mexico, no one expects grief to end with the funeral and for everything to go back to normal. Instead, they naturally return to it every year, as it should be in life.
We also like to think that we invented self-help groups here – for example, for victims of car accidents.
But in Mexico, they have nationally designated days for various specific deaths, so people can share their experiences with others who have had the same fate.
🇲🇽 There's so much to say about Mexico! We were just talking about it in a podcast with our colleague Petra Ponocná. If you're interested, you can find us on Spotify. 🇲🇽
Czech Television: Adriana Kábová on Lucie Výborná's Excellent Show - Why was she buying doll clothes?
📺 Our Adriana was on Lucie Výborná's Excellent Show.
👦 They filmed it a while ago. Adriana isn't pregnant anymore; she's given birth to a happy little boy!
👨🚀 You can find out where her husband is really from.
🌏 How long a deceased person stays at home on the Indonesian island of Sumba.
🌍 How the flu is treated in Madagascar.
🧸 Why she was buying doll clothes.
💀 And, of course, why she became a funeral guide.
Care for parents after the death of a child: Alena Peremská
This podcast with Alena Peremská starts with what has changed in the last 10 years. And fortunately, everything has changed. It used to be normal not to talk about the topic of infant death; it was taboo. Children weren't shown to parents, weren't named, and weren't buried. You were supposed to quickly forget "it."
So, what's the right way to do it? Let's take it one step at a time.
How to deliver bad news in the hospital? Isn't it better to stay silent? Because if I don't say anything, I can't mess anything up.
No. If you don't know how, approach it personally, humanly, and authentically. It's not wrong to cry; in fact, crying might be the greatest thing you can give to that family.
How to preserve or even create a memory of the child?
Take a photo together (seriously, we have the best experiences with it). Ask for a memory box. Make footprints in it, give the baby a stuffed animal... We know from experience that it doesn't traumatize the family.
How to say goodbye?
First, in the hospital: The hospital should allow you to say goodbye to the body in private. You can dress the baby, take care of them... but you can also do it later at the funeral home.
And then have a funeral, a ceremony. Let the child go, say goodbye. It greatly helps our psyche, as well as the child's soul. And if it helps us, we can even baptize the child - we don't think it's important whether the baptism is valid, but if it helps us, God understands.
What should you do with the baby? Where should you lay them to rest?
Parents often choose cremation and then keep the urn at home, so the baby is always with them. That's okay (we just recommend not keeping it in the bedroom). However, after a while, it's good to put the urn somewhere else, in a final resting place. You can do a "secondary funeral" - place the baby's ashes in a cemetery, in the garden, scatter them in a meadow, or into the sea.
The podcast ends on a very personal – even moving – note, so it's really worth listening to until the end.
Zdenka Volavá, Director of Dlouhá cesta: What changes in a partnership after the death of a child?
Zdenka is a mother who lost her 21-year-old son. And since 2022, she has also been the chairwoman of the Dlouhá cesta association. Dlouhá cesta supports families in which a child has died - at any age and for any reason. In this podcast, we introduce Dlouhá cesta. But we will also focus on the difficult topic of changes in a partnership after the death of a child.
"If someone had played this for me ten years before or five years before, I would have said: that's not me at all, I would never behave like that, I have never behaved like that. But after that loss, I behaved like that and I didn't even recognize myself. So I feel that maybe my husband had to get used to my new self much more than I had to get used to his."
How to support parents who have lost a baby? And what phrases should you avoid? Adriana Kábová writes for Maminka.cz
In the Czech Republic, the topic of death is often swept under the rug, and the death of an infant is almost doubly taboo. But for many parents, it's a harsh reality. The following tips are based on the experiences of funeral guides, and especially on the recommendations of many parents who have experienced the death of a baby and have encountered various reactions from those around them. Some reactions were very helpful, while others rubbed salt into the wound. Keep in mind that everyone experiences the loss of a child differently, and the points mentioned below are not a completely universal guide.
But you won't mess anything up by talking to the parents honestly and asking them what they find pleasant and what they don't. They will surely appreciate that more than if you were to remain completely silent about the death of their baby or even start avoiding them. It is also important to mention that each parent probably grieves differently, and it is possible that different things from you will help the mother and different things the father of the baby. And don't be afraid of their emotions and tears, they are often the main healing path to healing the rawest grief.
Czech Radio Radiožurnál: Adriana Kábová as a guest of Lucie Výborná. After a bizarre experience with a funeral service after the death of my child, I decided to change the funeral industry in the Czech Republic.
Adriana Kábová is an anthropologist and funeral guide.
Already during the research of Indonesian cultures, she got to traditional funerals, during which animals are sacrificed. "Even though my topic was not originally funeral service, in Indonesia I participated in funerals in the front row," she describes.
After her own experience with the death of a baby, she decided to change the funeral industry in the Czech Republic and became a funeral guide.
What does this work entail?
And how did she cope with the loss of a child?