What to say and not to say to parents after the death of a child
Do you have anyone in your area who has had a baby or even a bigger child die? Would you like to comfort them in some way, but don't know how? Prepare yourself for the fact that you simply cannot comfort a parent whose son or daughter has died, it is not in human power. On the other hand, words can be powerful and can caress the grieving parent's soul or hurt them painfully.
Adriana Kábová on the banks of the Vltava River, on Střelecký Island
When my own baby died, I was surprised in many ways by the reactions of those around me. Some pleasant, some unpleasant. What struck me most was how many people retreated and pretended nothing had happened. I realized they probably didn't know how to react. But the avoidance of me, or at least the topic of the baby's death, was probably the most distressing.
Parents often find themselves in a strange limbo after the death of a child and feel lonely. And this is only because their surroundings do not know what to say, do not know what to do, so they prefer to withdraw and avoid responding to such a difficult life situation. Fears of being reminded of the deceased child are not misplaced; parents find it hard to manage to think of anything else at all for the first few months.
In addition to ignorance, a common type of reaction is a pleading effort to come up with something positive, something to please the parents with empty arms. But it just can't work. Parents may perceive the effort to comfort, but it is absolutely ineffective.
Sometimes I was amazed at what people said to me. I understand that they probably felt the need to comfort or comfort me in some way. But more than once, I ended up actually feeling sorry for them. They're just floundering and they don't know what to do with me.
Rather, I recommend focusing on sentences that acknowledge the death of the child and the weight of the parents' grief. A simple "I'm sorry", "I'msorry" is sometimes quite enough. "Condolences" is seen by some as a stilted phrase, but it actually has deep meaning and is certainly one of the most welcome expressions of belonging.
Words that can support grieving parents:
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
My condolences.
If you know each other very well, even a hug can be supportive for parents after the death of a child. It's a good idea to ask first if you can, if the parents will be comfortable at the time. Respectfully and without offence, if they refuse your offer, not everyone is the 'hugging type'.
I am here for you and I will listen to you whenever you need me.
Don't be afraid to text me anytime, you'll never bother me.
It is very necessary to be able to listen to parents after the death of their child, because it often helps them to share their burden, but few people want to hear about dying. Take away from your stories what happened to your friends and what helped them afterwards. Rather, be interested in the story or insight that the grieving person may want to tell you, but there is often no space for it. Let the parents know that you are ready to hear them out. You might say things like "I'm here for you and will listen whenever you need me" or"don't be afraid to text me anytime, you'll never bother me".
Do you want to tell me about (child's name)?
And when you are finding out if the parents are willing and in the mood to share their grief with you, it is a good idea not to be afraid to mention the name of the deceased child. Indeed, many people tend to stop saying the child's name as if it were suddenly forbidden. It's just that for parents, it's still their beloved son or daughter, even if they're suddenly not there. And when suddenly no one wants to talk about them, no one even wants to say their name, it's as if those around them suddenly don't want to acknowledge that they existed at all.
I was always pleased when there was someone among my friends who was not afraid to say my son's name. It warmed my heart that at least someone remembered him after his short stay here.
Words that usually rub salt in the wound:
Be glad you have another child.
You are still young, you will have more.
You just have to think positive.
Worse things happen to people.
I know how you feel because...
Nature intended it that way. It was meant to be.
Your child is in a better place now.
It's a good thing it wasn't older.
And you're thinking about another one?
Sentences beginning with "at least that".
In addition to the group of people who are worried about hurting their parents with their words and prefer to remain silent, there is also the part that doesn't think about their words at all and simply says something in the belief that it will alleviate their parents' grief. If the parents have any other children, there is always someone who will remember to mention it. "Be glad you have another child." Yes, parents are certainly glad they have another child, but that doesn't lessen their grief. In fact, all sentences that begin with "at least that..."are similarly ineffective . At least you're okay, at least it didn't get worse, at least everything is going well otherwise, at least you can still have more children , and so on.
And then there are those who feel they know exactly what parents experience after the death of a child. Because someone they know has been through something similar and they know what helped them and what parents now have to do and not do that they need to do. Never say the sentence "I know how you feel because..." because you simply don't know. Each grieving process is deeply individual and no one can give parents an exact guide on how to get through it.
"When our Oliver died, I was unable to talk to anyone except my husband. After coming home from the hospital, we stayed at his parents' house for a few days. Everyone acted as if nothing had happened. On the third day, my mother-in-law sat down with me in the living room and said she knew exactly what I was going through. She said she had a miscarriage once. She started giving me advice on what I should and shouldn't do now. I just stayed staring at her. And she said she had absolutely no idea what I was going through. I left in tears and we didn't speak again until we left."
The experience of our client Eva B.
Well-meaning judgments like "nature intended it that way", "itwas meant to be" or
"your child is in a better place now". If these statements are meant seriously, then they contain a reference to spirituality, which the parent may not share with the speaker.
And because in our society, in general, grief vented in public is not very popular, the parents' surroundings sometimes do not know how to deal with it. And that's how catchphrases like "don't cry, it won't bring him/her back anyway","you have to think positive" arise. Similarly, the phrase "worse things happen to people" is not at all supportive. The pressure to smile and the encouragement to suppress grief negate the parents' experienced emotions and their need to grieve.
A phrase that can hurt parents of babies who died in the womb or were born very prematurely is "before they were older". Beware, direct proportionality does not apply here. The parent simply lost the baby. Period.
For babies, forgive the often heard phrase "you are still young, you will have another". Parents experience an indescribable pain, they grieve for the unique baby they have just lost. That phrase is like a slap in the face. In addition, you may not know the exact reasons for the baby's death, and sometimes there may be interventions after which another pregnancy is not even possible. And unless you've stood by your parents throughout their grieving process, you're not one of their closest loved ones, so avoid asking them questions like, "Are you thinking about another one yet?"
So we recommend that the death of a child is definitely not ignored, not passed unnoticed. It's just that in such a case, less is sometimes more, and "I'm sorry" and "I'm sorry" as a first reaction is quite enough. And then you can ask parents what practical things you can help them with, or even suggest some. It is most appreciated when you are able to listen to your parents and whatever they want to share, even repeatedly.
The author Adriana Kábová is a bereavement counsellor and funeral guide whose first baby died.