Distractions in the forest and at sea. Forbes podcast, Oleg Vojtíšek with Julia Mahler
Oleg Vojtíšek records a podcast with Julia Mahlerová in Forbes
"If we don't do the funeral, the deceased will come to haunt us," it used to be said.
You don't believe in ghosts? You don't have to. The deceased can "haunt" our own souls. That we'll think, "I should have told him, it's too late now." That we'll never truly say goodbye, and we'll be left with an unfinished chapter, a gaping wound that no one sewed up.
That's what funerals are for. They are to help us bridge the period of life with the deceased who is suddenly not here.
But that death needs to be given some love. And as our Oleg Vojtisek discussed with Julia Mahler from Forbes in the podcast How to be better.
So go listen to it and make yourself feel better too :)
Where to look for hope? Former Evangelical pastor Jaroslav Pechar and Oleg Vojtíšek
Former Evangelical pastor Jaroslav Pechar and Oleg Vojtíšek
"At our mother's funeral, the vicar preached about a whore."
Or, not only about whether humour belongs in funeral sermons, we talked with Jaroslav Pechar, a former evangelical minister and pastor.
Is the funeral for the deceased or for the survivors? Should we do it the way the deceased would have liked? Or should we do it in a way that helps the bereaved? Or should it be more about God and the hope of eternal life?
Many of us imagine that when a eulogy "makes even men cry," it is a display of the highest possible admiration. But... what if he lightened you up? What if it made you feel better, what if it absolved you of guilt, or made you happy? Is the purpose of a funeral to fold and weep at death, or to celebrate life? What does Father Pechar say? (Spoiler: at his funerals, people tell stories, play guitar, and carry on long after the service!)
"Death is an enemy that wins battles but never wins the war."
Where to find hope when I'm dying? And if I'm not a believer?
What is after death, Father Pechar cannot answer, and no church can answer, but he knows what is not there: there is no darkness and emptiness because a hand is extended. That is the greatest hope the Church offers after death.
And just as the hand of the deceased is given by God according to the Church, the hand of the bereaved is given by parish priests like Father Pechar. And not with holy water or a magic wand. But with words and stories. And sometimes with the phone on at 1:00 in the morning.
So listen to his stories and jokes in our podcast on Spotify.
"In heaven we will wonder three things: who is there, who is not there, and how the hell we got there."
What to do to make quality palliative care the standard, not a fluke? Jiří Krejčí from Pallia.
Jiří Krejčí, founder of the Pallium Institute
"Let's change the reality for people who have a serious illness and who are grieving; to make it more bearable for them" - this is the vision of Jiří Krejčí from Palio.
Ten years ago, almost no one was involved in palliative care in this country. And in another ten years, we may have a system that actually cares about and responds to the needs of the dying.
And it is thanks to Pallium: an organisation that helps palliative care professionals. He wants to change it for the better. To make quality palliative care the standard, not the luck of the draw.
But how to do it?
In hospital palliative care teams, for example, there is no one who is purely dedicated to the bereaved: everyone tries to do this in some way, but it is beyond their own specialisation and usually beyond their time allocation.
Police interventionists are not allowed to recommend paid help - bereavement counsellors, therapists and the like. Many people don't even know there is help for them.
One solution is to find a way to pay for bereavement assistance with state money. Another is to involve lay people to form self-help groups for the bereaved.
How can mourners help others?
Do people even know what they can ask for when they die?
And can we really help palliative care patients and their survivors?
This episode of our podcast is interesting mainly for experts. Let's see - how many listeners do we have from the palliative care field? Our Oleg Vojtíšek with Jiří Krejčí from Pallia on Spotify!
PHOTO: 2nd Annual Government Commissioner for Human Rights Awards
Klára Brázdová and Oleg: Is mourning chaos? Or is it wandering through the forest? And is a funeral a dialogue?
Klára Brázdová and Oleg Vojtíšek record a podcast on a grassy roof above Prague
The deafening silence after the death of a man.
And now we don't mean when you're suddenly home alone. But the silence that comes at the end of the day: when you receive lots of messages, lots of attention, questions and love after the death of a loved one... and then suddenly... it fades away.
Suddenly, the neighborhood decided it was time to move on. But you're not there yet.
As a psychotherapist, Klára Brázdová often works with the bereaved and our work and hers have a lot in common!
As a funeral service, we often consider how much we have to do for our clients: from a service position, we want to deliver the maximum. It's just that grieving is a very specific thing. People need to be guided to go into the grieving process themselves - even by preparing the funeral. And it's similar in therapy.
Klara says she likes that we are having a dialogue with the bereaved. A dialogue about what they want and how they want it. What's even possible. A dialogue about what the deceased would have wanted, what they want. That's what people are often afraid to talk to them about. Grieving people are fully competent and should not be treated like children.
Why is it not good to follow the "expert" stages of grief?
How are mourning and wandering through the forest similar?
And why is it nice to go to Nepal after the funeral?
In our podcast, Oleg talked about grieving with psychotherapist Klara Brázdová and if you're concerned, you'll definitely want to listen in!
Barbora Steinlauf: Are you entitled to a peaceful death?
"I don't want to live anymore, let me die..." Has a dying man ever said that to you? Is he entitled to die peacefully? Can you answer that?
Barbora Steinlauf and Oleg Vojtíšek recording a podcast in the dusk over Prague
Probably not. And many doctors probably don't either.
The legal system of the health care system in the area of dying is very much lagging behind: it has long been built to protect doctors and support them when they commit illegal acts. But Barbara Steinlauf, as a health care advocate, is going in the opposite direction - protecting the rights of the dying and trying to spread awareness about what people are entitled to during the dying process.
If you can't answer these questions, you should definitely listen to the podcast recorded by our Oleg with Barbara Steinlauf:
What should I do if someone is dying in hospital and I feel they are not being treated well? And what if I suspect they died because of a hospital error?
Is a signed paper really enough as informed consent?
If you refuse medical care, do you also lose palliative care?
And in general... how is euthanasia (killing on request) in the context of Czech law?
And that's not the end of it: Barbora has also launched a new project about the end of life. Let your family know how you want to die when you can no longer make your own decisions. Or see how to have a conversation with a dying person about it.
Suicide is a cancer of the soul. How do suicidal thoughts work? Sasha Kasal and Roksana Taborska.
Saša Kasal and Roksana Táborská from the National Institute of Mental Health
Suicide is a cancer of the soul. How do suicidal thoughts work?
It changes with age: the younger a person is, the more vulnerable they are - people learn different techniques to cope with problems throughout their lives.
It varies with gender: men are more likely to commit suicide, while women are more likely to self-harm (globally, there are 3 to 4 male suicides for every one female suicide).
It spreads like a contagion: if a suicide occurs in one class, it is a risk factor for all classmates.
The surroundings can make it worse, just say "You can't do this to me," for example.
13,000 suicides in one year - roughly 4 deaths a day. That's the data for 2022. March and April are the riskiest.
Is it the computers now? Not at all. On the contrary, the numbers have been steadily declining since the '50s and '60s. It's only since 2019 that they're starting to pick up again. Why?
The cause is never one: covid, black prospects for the future, social networks, long waits for psychologists, addictive substances, even genetic predisposition.
What to do if someone confides in you with the intention of committing suicide?
Will the psychologist fire you?
Is there any way to develop a family?
We unpacked the stigma of suicide together with Sasha Kasal and Roksana Táborská from the National Institute of Mental Health in our podcast.
Apologies to all for the lower intelligibility of the male voices. The original recording has been severely damaged and what you hear is the result of painstaking reconstruction.
“Philosophizing is practice for death,” says Plato's Socrates through the words of Czech philosopher Tereza Matějčková.
We've also (modestly) philosophized and practiced death in a new podcast. During Christmas, we often struggle with loneliness: according to some philosophers, however, loneliness is a luxury of modern times. Why?
Because it's a chance not to live according to others. To act authentically for yourself, regardless of the wishes of family or society. To “follow your own truth.”
But beware, don't confuse it with being alone: that, on the other hand, is the result of breaking free from family ties. After all, Georg Simmel said: only modern man begins to die – precisely because he realizes his individuality and finiteness. He does not see himself as a mere continuation of the family.
According to Hegel, it may ultimately be the funeral that brings us back to the community. And if we don't do it, we harm ourselves: we disrupt our own community and our own inclusion.
And last but not least: philosophy has always been interested in the fact that man does not merely “fail” like other animals, but somehow takes care of that failure. We often say that we are fighting something – people or diseases. But we go even further. We learn from it, we correct past mistakes. We hurt ourselves, but at the same time we forgive ourselves and enrich ourselves.
We grow from conflicts, and family conflicts are something that “creates us together” and connects everyone. And it's more visible at Christmas than ever.
Therefore, if you want to gather yourself, calm down, reflect and escape from the scatteredness of today's world during these Christmas holidays, Tereza Matějčková recommends philosophy. And you can start with our podcast with Tereza!
Search on our Spotify:
How did Tereza prepare for the death of her five-year-old Kryštofek? And how did she prepare him?
Kryštofek had a clear diagnosis: DIPG. A brain tumor. In the stem. 100% mortality.
We thought about the story of Tereza and her son Kryštofek for a very long time because it left us with deep feelings of admiration and emotion. When Oleg first heard about him from Tereza over a cup of coffee, he said that such a story needed to be shared.
Because it's a story about a very brave little boy and two parents who went through hell together but came out on the other side. Kryštofek was only four when half of his body became paralyzed. Then came the diagnosis, radiation, a brief improvement, and a rapid decline.
His mother Tereza and father Dan stood by his side the whole time, holding his little hand until the very last moment, before he left in a black Hyundai van – which, as Dan joked in that tense moment, he would never have gotten into on his own because he didn't like that brand. What else could they do after tearful nights but find a bit of humor?
A story like theirs can help. Both Tereza, and you, who are going through a similar situation. Or someone around you. Or just to make you think about whether that argument with your husband about the unwashed dishes was really that terrible.
Can a relationship be 'fixed' by the death of a child?
How to talk to a child about their own death?
And does a ban on crying help?
With powerful stories like this, it's hard to advise what to do and not to do. And we don't really want to. We feel that we are only intermediaries through whom Tereza can share everything she went through, and yet she managed it, so that it might reach those who need to hear it.
We were truly honored that Tereza accepted the invitation to our podcast and talked about all these things. Straightforward, without sugarcoating. And you can listen to it on our Spotify.
We transformed the Mexican Día de Muertos into a Czech Remembrance Ceremony - with Petra Ponocna
💀 Did you know that in Mexico, they celebrate death on Día de Muertos?💀
Is it a fascination with death, where we constantly remember old wounds every year?
❌ Not at all. On the contrary: here, we aren't even able to properly talk about the death of a friend after a year. We tuck photos into albums, lock away memories, throw out clothes. And heaven forbid their spirits ever come to haunt us.
In Mexico, on the other hand, they prepare an altar for the deceased. They bring their favorite things and treats to their grave. They lure them back with sugar skulls to celebrate with them, to see that they haven't been forgotten.
We've been talking for a long time about how life should return to cemeteries. 🪅 And in Mexico, they know how to do it very well! 🪅
🧁 They decorate graves with colorful flowers.
🧁 During the Day of the Dead celebrations, there are taco stands in the cemeteries.
🧁 Mariachis play.
🧁 And families spend the night there.
Let's compare it to Czech All Souls' Day 🥀 – can you imagine not just laying a flower on the grave this year, but instead cooking the deceased's favorite meal and going to the cemetery to chat with them? Playing music and dancing? Reminiscing with others who come there? Probably not. But you can, for example, gather the family and remember the deceased together. Whether it's for All Souls' Day or not – and whether with our help or on your own. Get inspired by us here: https://www.pohrebnipruvodci.cz/obrad-vzpominani
Here, we see grief as an illness that needs to be treated and has a clearly defined end. In Mexico, no one expects grief to end with the funeral and for everything to go back to normal. Instead, they naturally return to it every year, as it should be in life.
We also like to think that we invented self-help groups here – for example, for victims of car accidents.
But in Mexico, they have nationally designated days for various specific deaths, so people can share their experiences with others who have had the same fate.
🇲🇽 There's so much to say about Mexico! We were just talking about it in a podcast with our colleague Petra Ponocná. If you're interested, you can find us on Spotify. 🇲🇽
Care for parents after the death of a child: Alena Peremská
This podcast with Alena Peremská starts with what has changed in the last 10 years. And fortunately, everything has changed. It used to be normal not to talk about the topic of infant death; it was taboo. Children weren't shown to parents, weren't named, and weren't buried. You were supposed to quickly forget "it."
So, what's the right way to do it? Let's take it one step at a time.
How to deliver bad news in the hospital? Isn't it better to stay silent? Because if I don't say anything, I can't mess anything up.
No. If you don't know how, approach it personally, humanly, and authentically. It's not wrong to cry; in fact, crying might be the greatest thing you can give to that family.
How to preserve or even create a memory of the child?
Take a photo together (seriously, we have the best experiences with it). Ask for a memory box. Make footprints in it, give the baby a stuffed animal... We know from experience that it doesn't traumatize the family.
How to say goodbye?
First, in the hospital: The hospital should allow you to say goodbye to the body in private. You can dress the baby, take care of them... but you can also do it later at the funeral home.
And then have a funeral, a ceremony. Let the child go, say goodbye. It greatly helps our psyche, as well as the child's soul. And if it helps us, we can even baptize the child - we don't think it's important whether the baptism is valid, but if it helps us, God understands.
What should you do with the baby? Where should you lay them to rest?
Parents often choose cremation and then keep the urn at home, so the baby is always with them. That's okay (we just recommend not keeping it in the bedroom). However, after a while, it's good to put the urn somewhere else, in a final resting place. You can do a "secondary funeral" - place the baby's ashes in a cemetery, in the garden, scatter them in a meadow, or into the sea.
The podcast ends on a very personal – even moving – note, so it's really worth listening to until the end.
Zdenka Volavá, Director of Dlouhá cesta: What changes in a partnership after the death of a child?
Zdenka is a mother who lost her 21-year-old son. And since 2022, she has also been the chairwoman of the Dlouhá cesta association. Dlouhá cesta supports families in which a child has died - at any age and for any reason. In this podcast, we introduce Dlouhá cesta. But we will also focus on the difficult topic of changes in a partnership after the death of a child.
"If someone had played this for me ten years before or five years before, I would have said: that's not me at all, I would never behave like that, I have never behaved like that. But after that loss, I behaved like that and I didn't even recognize myself. So I feel that maybe my husband had to get used to my new self much more than I had to get used to his."
Kateřina Svobodová is a guide to Prague cemeteries.
Kateřina studied art history, and cemeteries are full of art.
Art in its original location, in a natural space, not in a gallery according to a curatorial intention.
In a beautiful space, in nature, in silence, in harmony with nature and the city around.
But today, funeral sculptures are almost never made. What to do to bring them back?
And can preparing a statue for a grave help process the death of a loved one?
After all, we had several clients who made the Coffin themselves, and it helped them.
We made urns from LEGO with the children.
And while we're on the subject of children, we see it as a big problem that they have never been to a funeral, nor have they seen anyone dead - and that's where the whole societal repression of death begins.
So, what if we helped them get acquainted with death by taking them to the cemetery?
For example, in history class: Let them see Božena Němcová and Neruda and Čapek and Dvořák with Smetana at the Vyšehrad Cemetery. And everything else with them.
It sounds natural and even cheap.
So, while recording the podcast, we came up with the project "Children in the Cemetery."
Anyway, come for a tour of the cemetery with Kateřina, you can find the dates in her Facebook group "For all Taphophiles", or on the Hrbitovy.cz website.